POLITICAL SATIRE
Trump’s Intellectual Triumvirate: Why Elon Musk, Vivek Ramaswamy, and a Boeing 747 Are Now Running the Country
Mo’ money mo’ problems
President Donald Trump has appointed three new members to his administration; Elon Musk, CEO of SpaceX and Tesla, Vivek Ramaswamy, CEO of Strive Asset Management, and a Boeing 747. While the addition of an aircraft to the cabinet may seem unusual, sources close to the situation explain that Trump simply needs all the help he can get when it comes to running the country.
"Look, we've all seen the memes about Trump's intelligence," said one anonymous White House aide. "He's just not cut out for this job. That's why we need someone like Elon Musk, who's smart enough to launch rockets into space and make electric cars people want to buy. Plus, having a large plane on board will ensure that Trump always has a quick escape route in case things get too complicated."
Musk, for his part, has reportedly agreed to take on the role of "Chief Advisor on Advanced Technologies and Rocket Science." His primary responsibility will be to explain confusing concepts like "artificial intelligence" and "renewable energy" to Trump in simple terms, using props like flashcards and puppets when necessary.
"It's not gonna be easy," said Musk. "But I've got a team of smart people on the SpaceX flight manifest who can help. Plus, if things really go sideways, I can always launch myself into orbit and leave Trump to deal with it."
As for Ramaswamy, he will serve as "Undersecretary of Finance and Unironically Using the Word 'Stock' in Public Relations." His primary duties will include explaining complex financial concepts like "derivatives" and "short selling" to Trump, as well as teaching him how to pronounce words like "stagflation" and "liability."
"Look, I get it," said Ramaswamy. "Trump's not exactly known for his grasp of detail. But if I can help him understand even a little bit about how the economy works, maybe he'll stop tweeting about how the stock market is rigged against him."
While some critics have expressed concerns about the ability of a large aircraft to effectively participate in high-level government discussions, sources say the Boeing 747 has already proven itself to be an invaluable member of the team.
"Compared to Trump, the 747 is a genius," said one aide. "It knows how to navigate complicated airspace, it understands the importance of four-point maintenance checks, and it doesn't interrupt people when they're trying to talk."
In conclusion, while the addition of Musk, Ramaswamy, and an inanimate piece of machinery to the Trump cabinet may seem bizarre, it's a move that many believe is necessary given the current president's limited intellectual capabilities. As one anonymous White House staffer put it, "We're just glad that Elon and Vivek were able to fit Trump into their schedules between making rockets and managing mutual funds."
Mike Scarpiello 2024
